Letting Go: Goodbye, Miles

On Saturday afternoon we chose to have our beloved dog Miles put down.  He had been with us for 11 of our 14 years of marriage.  Some will think or say that he was "just" an animal but he was a dear friend, family member, and companion to all of us.

 

After suddenly fainting and going stiff one day back in March, Miles was diagnosed with a large tumor in his abdomen (and some smaller ones to go along with it).  We thought we were going to lose him within weeks at that point but he'd bounced back and had been pretty doing well.  He did look old. He had a very distinguished white "beard" contrasting the black fur on his face and there were newer areas of white fur around his paws, knees and tummy. In recent months, I had taken to calling him "Old Man".  However, in the past 8 weeks or so, he had really started going down hill.  His back right leg had obviously been hurting or uncomfortable for a while, his tumors were getting larger, he was sleeping and laying around a lot more, he'd appeared to have slimmed down suddenly, etc.  Thinking that we might need to put him down, I took Miles to the vet the two Saturdays ago.  The vet thought he was still doing okay and sent us home with some additional pain meds to help his leg (we had an anti-inflammatory at home that we'd been using for a month or so).

 

While the meds did help somewhat with his ability to walk, early last week Miles suddenly cut way back on how much he was eating (though he was drinking a ton), he got drastically thinner over the course of a few days, and his back left leg started to go as well.  Both legs actually simultaneously gave out on him a couple of times during the week.

 

Friday morning we woke up to a blanket of snow and Miles was a little bit spunky (a rarity these days) and was obviously happy about it.  He was always a snow dog...winter was his favorite time of year.  When I went out to shovel the driveway and walks late morning, Miles had a blast playing in the white stuff - albeit at a slow pace - and got himself good and dirty and drenched.  He needed a bath afterwards.   As always, he was a good boy and went to hop in the tub when I told him to but his back legs couldn't do the job and I had to lift him in. For the first time ever, he actually voluntarily sat down a few times while I was bathing him as his legs were too weak. He was happy to be clean and after a good towel-drying, I sat down in our big chair by the fireplace in the the living room so that he would lay down in front of the fireplace to dry off.  He was worn out and slept there for a while.  That night, Max and I talked about Miles' condition.  We knew that it was time and decided Friday night that we'd need to make the call on Saturday.

 

I made the call Saturday morning then went out and cried to my husband about the fact that it was really happening.  Miles followed me around the yard as I shoveled and I got a few pictures of him with the kids.  The kids had already had a good cry about Miles the weekend before when we sat them down and told them that he'd be going soon so we didn't tell them what was happening until it was time to go.  When I was ready (a relative term...I was an absolute wreck) to take him to the vet on Saturday, we had the kids come and say goodbye.  They both started crying and they each gave him a big hug. We were all in tears.  I lifted Miles into the car and we headed down the hill.  Miles loved car rides and usually sat in the cargo area of my car but this time, he came up and laid down behind the center console.  I reached back and pet him as I talked to him the whole way there.  I got to be with Miles for a while before he was put down and I sat on the floor with him through the whole thing. He actually really liked the blanket that they put down for him and he was happy to lay on it with me sitting next to him. He went peacefully and quickly. The vet had only administered about half of the medication when he passed. She said that sometimes it takes until it has been completely injected for an animal to pass (or even a few minutes after), but that when the animal goes only partway through, it means that it really was their time to go. She reassured me that we had definitely made the right choice and that it was his time. I stayed there with him for a while afterwards.  I kind of expected him to lift his head at any moment.  Part of me was thinking and wishing that he'd suddenly wake up all renewed and healthy again, ready to walk out the door with me. It was hard to leave him lying there even though I knew he was gone.  I kept reminding myself: he's happy now and he's not in pain anymore.  That and he got to go on a perfect,  snowy day...we couldn't have picked a more fitting day for him. 

 

I do know that letting Miles go was the right thing to do but not having him here is going to take some getting used to. I sobbed the whole drive home and Max and I had a good cry together again when I got here.  I cried a few more times that evening and Claire sobbed for a good 10 minutes as she was getting ready for bed that night after stating, "Now our family only has 4 people in it." Talk about a heart breaker! We've all done pretty well since then but writing this has me all worked up again. Dang crying genes!  I honestly wonder how long it'll take me to stop crying at random over my furry boy.  Even if I don't cry, I know I'll still expect him to be here - I've already done several things and thought things as if he was here.  Max told me yesterday that he keeps doing the same.  There's going to be an adjustment time for all of us, I'm sure.

 

(picture taken summer 2011)

MILES

7/13/2001-11/10/2012

 

You are and will be sorely missed, Miles.  We loved you, we love you, and we will continue to love you.  Until we meet again...